Home Visit [Berwald]

[Timo Väinämöinen]

As the topic changed to Timo’s father, the young man tried not to squirm uneasily, his hand moving to the phone in his pocket. He’d left a message for him just a couple of days ago, but as usual it had gone unanswered. A part of Timo knew that his father must have changed his phone number by now, but he just couldn’t bring himself to give up on him. “Um, well. Papa’s pretty distant, so don’t feel too bad.” It hadn’t always been so. Timo could remember when his father laughed just as much as Timo did, but those times seemed long past. “I’m sure he’s all right.” Obviously Timo couldn’t be sure, but he hoped he was all right. Hoping that Emil wouldn’t ask any more, Timo glanced at Berwald and was surprised to see that he was looking at him like that. He gave him a reassuring smile, not wanting him to worry. Timo was doing all right, after all!

Of course, when Timo had known Berwald before they’d really been too young to enjoy coffee in the way that they did now, and Timo smiled softly. It felt surprisingly nice to know that they both liked their coffee so much. “Oh, yes! I don’t think you can ever have too much coffee!” He said, cheerfully, more than happy to support Berwald on this. Curling his toes in pleasure at the thought of proper coffee beans, Timo’s smile brightened. “If you’re sure, that’ll be really nice!” He said, happily, even more eager for his coffee now. He only got proper beans when he took coffee from work.

“Thanks a lot!” Timo said, cheerfully. “I like your house, it’s always nice to be here.” When he was young it had been a respite from his father, as little as he’d liked to admit it, and now it seemed like a respite from the tiny little flat that he called home. While Berwald was distracted by trying to help his mother, Timo hid another yawn in his sleeve and then rubbed on his cheeks tiredly. He’d stay for coffee and a while longer so he could talk with Berwald, but then he’d have to go home and have a nap. Standing up, he let Berwald lead the way. He sat a little closer than he might have done otherwise on the sofa, snuggling up comfortably. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this contented! “I missed your family.” He admitted, sleepily. “It always feels like home here.”

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald was sad to notice how Timo reacted uneasily to his father’s inquiry. He could tell that he was trying to hold his anxiousness back, though – probably to discourage more questions that would delve deeper into the topic. The small blond’s response was carefully vague and that worried the bespectacled man rather significantly. Emil seemed to get the unspoken hint, nodding a little and offering Timo a small, sheepish grin. Berwald was inwardly glad that the subject had been dropped somewhat easily, yet he still felt very worried about the younger man. Though it was a tad unlikely, his concern must have somehow shown itself in his stoic face, judging by the reassuring smile his friend sent his way. He was honestly a little surprised at that because nobody, aside from his parents, ever bothered to be that attuned to what he was feeling. Practically everyone else he knew never thought to look past all his seemingly indifferent expressions.

“Hn, see? Timo thinks so, too,” Berwald pointed out. Atalie just laughed. “Oh, not another excessive coffee drinker! Still, how cute is that? Separated for years and yet…” she trailed off with a small giggle, smiling brightly. The tall blond let a tiny smile curl his lips as well. For some reason, it felt nice to know that he and Timo both enjoyed coffee so much. He let his mind drift to a little restaurant that served wonderful coffee he really liked and thought of inviting the small blond to have lunch with him there. Or maybe he could go to the café Timo worked at and they could have coffee while the younger man wasn’t on one of his shifts. Well, whatever they might choose to do in the future, Berwald just wanted to have coffee with his friend whenever it was possible. Talking about nothing in particular over good coffee was one of life’s simplest joys. “Of course, dear! What kind of hosts would we be if we didn’t serve the best we have? Oh, and Ber picked out the beans himself so I’m sure the coffee will taste lovely,” Atalie said happily.

The bespectacled man blushed faintly at Timo’s words. He wasn’t sure why but that really meant a lot to him. He liked the idea of the younger man being able to call this place his home as well. “They missed ya, too,” he said quietly. But I missed you most, he couldn't help thinking to himself. “How’re ya feelin’? Tired?” the older blond asked, sounding concerned. “’m sorry. Didn’t mean ta take so much a’ yer time… But ‘m glad ya came. This was nice. Ya should v’sit again soon,” he mumbled shyly. He wanted to suggest that Timo stay the night next time but his words just couldn’t get past his throat. Berwald would’ve really liked that, though, as strange as it would probably be for two men of their age.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

It was obvious to Timo that he hadn’t been as subtle as he’d liked to have been, and he felt worried that he’d caused everyone else to worry. But he didn’t think that he could cope with their pitying looks when they finally found out what had happened to him, as much as he hated keeping them in the dark. He was doing all right! He had a flat, even if it wasn’t a fantastic one, and he had his jobs, and his friends. He missed his family, but what more could he do?

Giggling happily as Berwald used him as back out, he beamed at Atalie. “Sorry!” He said, though he didn’t sound it at all. He loved his coffee, and he wouldn’t give it up for the world. He did blush faintly when she pointed out how odd it was that they’d both grown up to love coffee. “We just both have good taste.” He said, wiggling his toes happily. Like Berwald, though, he was thinking of all the things they could do together over a cup of coffee. He couldn’t help but think, though, that this was the best way to take coffee, curled up together at home after a wonderful evening. He was certainly eager to try whatever coffee Berwald had picked.

“Oh, I knew it was going to take a while.” Timo chuckled happily. “It’s nice that way, we get to talk at the table like a family.” He was glad that he’d came. The walk home would wake him up a little anyway. “I’d like to come back soon.” He said, as he snuggled in closer to Berwald’s side. Resting his head on his shoulder, he gave in, closing his eyes. Just for a moment to rest them. Letting out a content noise, he tucked his legs up a little as well, relaxing. He was always tired these days, but he so rarely allowed himself to relax this much because he knew how sleepy he became. He didn’t know why he was letting himself relax now. Maybe he secretly wanted to sleep or he just couldn’t stop himself. Dimly, Timo thought about asking Berwald what kind of coffee he’d picked out, but as soon as the thought was there it escaped again. He didn’t even notice when he drifted off. Like when he was younger, he cuddled in closer, keeping himself close as he finally got the sleep that his body was aching for.

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald let out a soft hum of agreement. Dinner was always lively, considering his talkative parents, but Timo was a most welcome addition to the table as he was capable of brightening the atmosphere effortlessly with just his presence. As usual, the bespectacled man hadn’t contributed much to all the conversations they’d had. He was content with simply listening to everyone talk. After all, it was really nice to see his friend get along so well with both of his parents. He inwardly wished for things to always be like this. It would’ve been so… so wonderful if Timo could come and live here with them. Just the idea of getting to see the younger man every day caused butterflies to appear in his stomach. He knew it wasn’t likely that the small blond would ever move in with them but there was no harm in just imagining it, right? Besides, maybe he’d be the one to move in with Timo one day. Though it was practically impossible to see it happening in the near future, he could picture himself living in a shared flat with his friend someday.

The older blond blushed darkly when he felt the other man snuggle in closer to him. People rarely got this close to him so he couldn’t help feeling a little nervous. He wasn’t just nervous, though. He was also really happy. Berwald hardly seemed it but he truly enjoyed receiving physical affection; not just from anyone, though, of course. His mind quickly flitted back to a certain annoying woodcutter who had no qualms about invading his personal space in the most irritating ways imaginable. Timo was a totally different case. Feeling the small blond pressed up against him so comfortably reminded him of how much he liked this kind of closeness. He suddenly realized that he hardly had anyone he could enjoy being this near to, though. It was just his mother and Timo, really. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing but he didn’t exactly have the courage to initiate this kind of contact himself. That was the difficult part of being an innately snuggle-loving person who was also painfully shy. Had he been born more outgoing and less scary, he probably would’ve been less awkward about being close to other people – or perhaps just less awkward in general.

As if the snuggling hadn’t been enough, the younger man rested his head on Berwald’s shoulder as well. His friend let out a content sound and the older blond blushed harder still, feeling completely certain that even his ears were red by now. He glanced at Timo’s face and was relieved to see his eyes closed. Concern quickly took over his features, however. Was the small blond really that tired? He wanted to speak up and ask but he didn’t want to break the comfortable silence that had settled over them either… In the end, he decided to stay silent and just enjoy the younger blond’s proximity. The next thing he knew, though, Timo had gone and fallen asleep! It was apparent from the way his breathing had evened out quite considerably. He found this turn of events equally surprising and adorable. The other man cuddled even closer and Berwald automatically thought that this wasn’t bad at all.

He rested his head lightly against the small blond’s, being extremely careful not to jostle him awake. He absently wondered when his mother would come in with their coffee and whether he’d have the heart to wake Timo up so that he could have his cup. He turned his head slowly and nuzzled gently into his friend’s soft hair. The lightly slumbering blond smelled of a flower that Berwald couldn’t quite put a finger on the name of.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Timo was an affectionate young man as well, almost as bad as Mathias at ignoring people’s personal space. In fact, it was a miracle that he hadn’t been so affectionate with Berwald when he was younger. Fear of the older boy had been the only thing that had kept him away, so perhaps all the times that they’d woken up wound around each other weren’t so surprising at all. He was glad that he was old enough to see past that now, because he’d wanted to hug Berwald so many times when he was younger but he’d held back, and in a way it felt like he needed to make up for it now. He certainly wanted to! He’d missed out on a lot when he was younger; Berwald was warm and strong. Just being close to him like this made Timo feel safe and secure, something that probably helped him drift off into sleep more than he’d realised. As much as his flat was his and his home, there were times when the neighbours made him feel a little unsafe, or just being home alone made him uneasy, but here Timo felt completely at home, protected and at ease.

Even though he’d just closed his eyes to rest, it was pretty clear the needed a proper sleep. There were dark bags around his eyes, and even in sleep he looked tired, even if there was a happy smile still playing on his lips. Berwald’s movements didn’t stir him at all, not even the nuzzling. It was pleasant, though, and he let out a quiet noise in his sleep, breathing out against Berwald’s shoulder. He’d probably end up with a sore neck and back for sleeping in such an awkward position, but for now it seemed comfortable enough. When Atalie did come in with the coffee, Timo was still fast asleep, not even the delicious scent of the coffee rousing him, though he’d be embarrassed when he woke to know that she’d seen him curled in like that. For some reason he didn’t mind Berwald seeing him sleeping, but anyone else catching him in such a vulnerable and child like pose made him uneasy. Maybe it was because he had slept next to Berwald before.

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

As Berwald curled in close to his sleeping friend, he pondered about what to do next. Wake Timo up? That seemed pretty reasonable but he wasn’t sure if he could bring himself to do such a thing. Timo looked exhausted; it would be unkind to wake him up when he looked like he was sleeping so deeply. He knew that the small blond couldn’t be too comfortable, though, what with him resting rather awkwardly against his shoulder. And then it occurred to him that he should move Timo to a bed. But what was the best way to go about that? He really didn’t want to disturb the younger man’s rest… After a bit of thought, he decided to just carry him up to his room. He was a lot bigger than the other man and quite used to carrying heavy weights anyway. Not that Timo seemed heavy or anything! In fact, he was thinner than he’d been as a teenager. He honestly felt a little disappointed about that, though. The younger blond was still unbearably cute but he’d be even cuter if he was a tiny bit pudgy.

The tall blond looked up when he heard his mother approaching the living room. She walked in slowly, staring fixedly at the items upon the tray she was carrying, as though taking as much care as possible not to spill or drop anything. He knew her intentions were good but he inwardly thought that she looked ridiculous. She was so focused on the tray that she hadn’t even noticed Timo sleeping yet. That was quickly remedied, however, when she finally looked up. Her eyes widened slightly in surprise but she recovered quickly, a teasing grin forming on her face. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” she whispered playfully. “Moth’r,” Berwald hissed lowly in response, blushing faintly. Atalie just snickered softly. “Aw, poor dear’s all tuckered out. What do you plan to do?” she asked very quietly, setting the tray down on the coffee table in front of the sofa. “Takin’ ‘im ta m’room. S’it ‘kay ‘f he stays the night?” he asked in an almost inaudible voice. “Of course, sweetheart. Is it safe to assume that you two will be having your coffee tomorrow morning instead?” she whispered inquiringly. He just nodded in reply, bringing an index finger to his lips, indicating that they shouldn’t say anything more, lest Timo begin to stir.

Atalie nodded, smiling. She leant in closer to her son and kissed him lightly on his cheek. She stepped back and mouthed, ‘Good night.’ He smiled at her softly and nodded a little. She waved goodbye and picked the tray up once more before leaving the room. Berwald glanced at his friend briefly, checking if he was still soundly asleep. Relatively sure that the small blond wouldn’t wake from being jostled around a bit, he got ready to pick him up. He gently moved the younger man’s head closer so that it was tucked in against his neck. He then used one arm to support his back and placed the other one under his legs. He slowly lifted Timo onto his lap, cradling his smaller frame against his chest, and gradually stood up. He silently made his way to his room, carrying the other blond effortlessly. He had some trouble opening the door but they made it inside quickly enough. He then promptly laid Timo on his bed.

Berwald prepared the small blond for bed as best he could, blushing fiercely the entire time. He emptied his friend’s pockets, removed his footwear, did anything that might help him sleep more comfortably. He briefly considered lending Timo a pair of pyjamas but that involved things like undressing and redressing, and the mere idea ultimately left him so embarrassed that he was almost certain he’d pass out. The younger man would just have to make do with what he was wearing now. The bespectacled blond felt bad about that but it was out of his hands. Even if it was for the other man’s sake, he just couldn’t bring himself to invade his friend’s privacy to that extent. He stepped closer to the sleeping blond again and tucked him in properly. He felt his breath catch a little at how… well, angelic Timo looked. He gently brushed the younger blond’s bangs out of his face and moved away to prepare himself for bed.

When he was finally ready to sleep as well, he found himself at a bit of a roadblock. Where was he going to sleep? He certainly couldn’t sleep next to Timo… could he? Would that be appropriate? They’d done that every time the younger man had slept over so it shouldn’t be too unusual, right? Right…? Berwald blushed a little as he looked at his friend sleeping soundly in his bed. He could sleep on the floor. He could… go sleep in the living room? That was where a certain infuriating woodcutter used to sleep when he had lived here. He let out a soft hum and shut his eyes, giving the matter more thought. In the end, he decided that it probably wouldn’t be too weird if he slept next to Timo… you know, possibly. Perhaps. Maybe. Before he seriously started getting second thoughts, he climbed into his bed and got under the sheets. He watched the small blond sleep a little (in what was hopefully a non-creepy fashion) before drifting off as well.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

As he was shifted for Berwald to lift, Timo barely moved. He sighed a little as he was shifted into Berwald’s lap, his breath warm on his neck, but he didn’t fight the movement. Honestly, it’d probably take an earthquake to wake him right now. He’d been putting this off for so many weeks, his body seemed determined to let him rest for as long as possible. When he was lifted, he did stir slightly, but only to roll against Berwald’s chest so that he was tucked in better, Berwald’s warmth against his side. It meant that he was better balanced for him to carry as well, but really he wasn’t that heavy.

Emptying his pockets was almost more of a task than carrying him upstairs. Timo was the type to keep his pockets full of odds and ends; he always had been. Not only was there his mobile, his keys, and his all but empty wallet, but there were bits of string, liquorish wrappers, bottle caps, even a stone. In fact, the only thing noticeably missing was any form of loose change. It didn’t help that Timo slept on his side and he kept trying to roll onto it. He did leave enough space for Berwald, though, and when he joined him Timo cuddled up into him. His blonde hair was just long enough to fall over his eyes and the pillow, a faint red blush to his cheeks. He was comfortable, though, and in his sleep he reached out for Berwald’s pajama shirt, holding onto it lightly.

Timo slept peacefully for four or five hours, barely moving aside from where he breathed in and out slowly. But he rarely got to sleep a full night any more, so it wasn’t surprising that his eyes fluttered then, before opening. He was confused at first, sleepy still, not quite sure what was going on. He’d only closed his eyes for five minutes? Suddenly, though, he gasped. How long had he been asleep for? Rubbing his eyes he looked at Berwald, and paused then. He looked so peaceful… Not wanting to disturb him, he attempted to carefully climb over him, but he was clumsy at the best of times and even worse when he was still half asleep. He kicked Berwald accidentally as he scrambled over and winced, but managed to make it safely to the other side, but was then greeted by another problem, that of an unfamiliar room in the dark.

Very carefully, he groped around on the bedside table, hoping to find his phone and then use it’s light to find everything else. When he did find it and flip it open he let out a gasp. He was so late! He was meant to be at work two hours ago! Panicking slightly, he groped for his shoes and everything from his pockets, doing his best to stay quiet. He wasn’t great, though. Speed was taking a priority now, he hated being late to work!

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald steadily grew more and more confused as he emptied his friend’s pockets. He couldn’t even begin to imagine why Timo chose to carry around such an odd array of items with him. As he fished out a stone from one of the continuously squirming blond’s pockets, he decided that he found this peculiar trait rather endearing. He’d always known that the younger man could be quite eccentric at times and he still had yet to discover a quirk of his that he couldn’t be fond of. He briefly considered throwing away the candy wrappers he found but figured that there had to be some strange reason why Timo himself hadn’t yet. When he was sure that the other blond’s pockets were empty, he placed all the items he took on his bedside table.

The tall blond was nearly asleep when he felt the younger man cuddle up into him. Had he been more awake at the time, he would have ended up becoming so embarrassed that he’d have trouble drifting off completely. Luckily, though, he was only vaguely aware of the waking world. He let out a soft hum, unconsciously moving closer to the small blond before finally falling asleep as well.

The bespectacled man was in the middle of a rather deep sleep cycle when Timo awoke so he wasn’t roused when the other blond shifted around on the bed. He grunted softly in pain at the kick, though, and was pulled closer to consciousness. His body was determined to let him continue to rest, however, since he was unused to not getting a full night of sleep. Nonetheless, with Timo frantically trying to gather his things and making quite a bit of noise while doing so, Berwald gradually began to stir. He blinked groggily, his body screaming at him to go back to sleep. He forced himself to sit up and rubbed his eyes, trying to make falling asleep again less tempting. Instinctively, he reached out for his glasses on the bedside table and put them on. The streetlamp outside his window was dim and flickering even worse than usual. He could barely make out his friend’s figure in the near darkness but it was obvious that he was panicking for some reason.

“Timo, s’the middle’f the night,” he stated, his voice rough from sleep. He let out a tired yawn before leaning in a little bit closer to the younger blond. He could barely see his face because it was so dark and he was still so sleepy but he could just make out his friend’s worried expression. “Wha’s wrong?” he asked concernedly, suddenly feeling more awake. ‘Oh, no,’ Berwald thought, ‘is he upset because I slept next to him? I really should have just slept on the floor!’ He pushed the covers off him in a rush and moved so that he could plant his feet on the ground, though he didn’t get up from his bed just yet. He then noticed that it looked like the other man was attempting to gather his things so that he could leave. The tall blond internally panicked at that. “’m sorry, don’t leave. Go back ta bed. Please. ‘ll move somewhere else,” he said, his tone apologetic and just very slightly pleading. He didn’t want Timo to be angry at him after all! That was the last thing he wanted right now.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

When Berwald stirred, Timo gave him a guilty look in the darkness. He hadn’t meant to wake him. He’d looked so peaceful asleep, and he probably needed the sleep. In the morning, Timo would apologise properly. Maybe he’d send a letter rather than texting, if he found time to write something. Heavens knew that he owed Berwald an explanation, or as close to one as Timo could come up with without worrying Berwald more. “I know.” He said, double checking he had everything and then glancing around for his shoes, using the light from his phone again. “You should go back to sleep.” Spotting them, he moved to get them, but paused as Berwald suddenly sat up.

“What?” Timo stared at the older blonde for a moment. He was too tired and stressed for this, and his voice was a little less soft than normal, almost snapping. At least he was aware that Atalie and Emil would be asleep, and he kept it quiet. Suddenly, though, he realised that Berwald must have put him to bed and then joined him, and that he now thought that Timo was leaving because of that. “I don’t care about us sleeping together. We used to do it together all the time.” He said, waving his hand dismissively, before crouching to start putting his shoes on. “It was quite nice, actually. But I was meant to be at work three hours ago.”

As he finished tying his laces, he paused to rub his eyes tiredly. Timo didn’t look up at Berwald, feeling guilty that he had to run out on him like this. Why had he fallen asleep like that? He’d ruined a lovely evening now. The gloom hid it, but for a moment he looked his age for once, perhaps even older, tired to his very core. He was so worn out, stretched to the very edge. Standing up, he gave Berwald a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You should go back to bed.” He said, giving Berwald a gentle push on the shoulder, encouraging him to lie down again so that Timo could tuck him back in. Even though he needed to leave, he’d rather that they parted on good terms, and it would make him feel a lot better to know that Berwald was at least comfortable before he left so that he’d hopefully go back to sleep easily. “I can let myself out.”

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald stared right back at the small blond in the semi-darkness. It wasn’t obvious but he noticed the slightly snapping tone his friend’s voice had taken on. He was relieved to hear that Timo didn’t mind them sharing a bed but the younger blond said it so dismissively that he felt a little hurt and perhaps even the tiniest bit annoyed. The other man’s next words were a complete surprise, though. “Work? Three hours ago?” he repeated in a rather level tone that belied how concerned he was. The darkness that was enveloped around them was suddenly a good thing because the frown forming on his face, combined with how he was squinting his eyes to see better, made him look quite frightening. “Ya weren’t plannin’ on sleep’n much t’night, were ya?” he asked sadly.

The tall blond raised an eyebrow at the younger man when he lightly pushed at his shoulder and encouraged him to go back to sleep. “No,” he said, his voice quiet but his tone firm. He stood up as well. “D’ya have time fer coffee? If ya don’t, at least lemme heat it up an’ put it in a thermos so ya can take it with ya ta work,” he requested. He supposed that he wasn’t really making a request, though. He was making more of an indirect demand. Berwald refused to budge on this, he just… couldn’t budge on this. Things didn’t feel right with the small blond and he didn’t want them to part this way. “B’sides, ya really should drop by the kitch’n. Yer s’pposed ta take the rest’f the cake with ya. An’ ya said ya wanted some’f Moth’r’s recipes. Which’re in the kitch’n. She said ya could borrow ‘em, right? Tha’s good ‘cause ya don’t have ‘nuff time ta copy ‘em down anyway,” he said, hoping his words could convince his friend to stay just a little longer.

“But… if ya really have ta leave right this moment… let me see ya off at least, Timo,” he mumbled, sounding defeated as he shifted his gaze to stare at the floor intently. He fought the urge to sigh, feeling his temples throb lightly with the beginnings of an intense headache. Whether or not Timo chose to stay a little longer, Berwald would be heading for the kitchen in the end. He needed coffee. The caffeine would leave him unable to fall asleep again but he had a feeling that he wouldn’t be able to anyway… not if things were left like this.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Timo was feeling a headache form as well, and worse, the faint pricking of tears in his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to lie back down and curl back up into Berwald and sleep for the rest of the night. Looking at him, he felt even worse, feeling guilty for waking him up and for leaving him like that. He tensed his hand, trying to think. He needed to go. He’d never missed a day of work so far, would this really be his first? “I can’t.” He said out loud. He still needed to make rent for the month, he couldn’t afford to miss a shift. It would be four hours less by the time he got there, that was already most of it gone. Timo rubbed his eyes again, this time angrily brushing a tear away. He’d just realised that he’d barely get four sol for his work if he did go now, and for the first time he didn’t want to go in.

“I-I can’t.” He repeated, looking away, this time sounding defeated. “I’ll come back tomorrow or… something.” Even as he said it he knew that he wouldn’t have time tomorrow, or the day after. Not unless he wanted to go without sleep again. “I’m sorry.” Timo said quietly, regretfully. He hated everything about this. He felt so awful that he didn’t even allow himself to give into his urge to hide himself in Berwald’s chest. He didn’t deserve Berwald or his affection. After everything that had happened, after such a wonderful evening, Timo had ruined it. Maybe Berwald had been better off without him after all.

Taking a step back, Timo hunched his shoulders a little, like he was trying to hide himself from Berwald. “Please go back to bed.” He begged, without looking up. He was filled with self loathing like he hadn’t really suffered from since he’d found Berwald again, and it was desperately hard to keep it from bubbling over. Timo’s father was right; he was worthless. Even as a child he’d been able to keep this mostly hidden from Berwald. “Sleep well. I’ll text you in the morning.” He said, sounding forced, as he turned to escape, needing out before he took up any more of Berwald’s time and made his only true friend hate him more than he already had.

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald flinched slightly at Timo’s blunt rejection. As he looked back at what he could make of the small blond’s figure in the darkness, he felt something in his chest tighten painfully. He had no idea what to say anymore. He bit his lip unsurely and took a small step back. How had things ended up like this? The older man suddenly wished that he hadn’t woken up at all so that his friend could have just left peacefully. Oh, if only all of this was just a dream, a very bad dream… He desperately wanted to deny the reality of the situation in front of him but… this was all really happening and he had no idea how to make things better. Right at that moment, Berwald began to realize exactly how great his attachment to Timo was… and it honestly scared him a little.

The tall blond said nothing, aware that the younger man was lying about coming back tomorrow. He could tell that at least his apology was sincere but, still, it did little to ease the tension in his mind and the crushing weight on his heart. The urge to just grab Timo and hold him close was so very strong. But even if he could somehow work the nerve to do just that, he had a feeling the other man would struggle fiercely to escape his embrace.

Berwald felt his heart break at the pleading words the small blond had just uttered. ‘Is he so upset that he won’t even let me say goodbye properly? Does he hate me now?’ he inwardly asked himself as he clenched both his hands into tight fists. He barely even processed the younger man’s next words. All he could focus on was the fact that Timo was turning to leave. He reacted quickly on pure impulse because, all of a sudden, the only thing he wanted in the entire world was for his precious friend to stay with him. He closed the gap between them in three long strides and reached out to seize the other man’s wrist. The small bit of contact, however, immediately jolted him into regaining rational thought. It took him a split second to realize what he’d just done. He gasped and hurriedly released his hold on Timo, as if the skin of his wrist had abruptly become white-hot.

“S-sorry,” he choked out shakily, staring at the other man with startled eyes. His throat had gone dry from all the stress and confusion so he swallowed roughly before speaking again in little more than a whisper, “G’bye.” He then turned around and took a few steps away from his friend. The last thing he wanted was even more distance between them but what else could he do? Berwald just stood there, his back to Timo, silently waiting for him to leave but internally wishing he’d stay.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Timo flinched as he was grabbed, shock and fear filling him. It was unpleasant to be scared of Berwald again, and he quailed a little, tensing and looking away. But then, almost as suddenly as he’d been grabbed, Berwald released him, and Timo stared after him as he pulled away, not understanding. What had just happened? Why had Berwald grabbed him like that? His guilt only doubled when Berwald apologised so shakily, hating that he’d made his beloved friend feel so bad. After everything that Berwald had done, was this how Timo was going to repay him? He felt sick, torn between Berwald and work more than ever.

When Berwald turned and walked away, Timo watched him in the darkness, heart bounding. He looked back towards the door, then at Berwald again. What could he do? If he left then his relationship with Berwald might be ruined, but if he didn’t he’d lose a whole night’s pay, and Will wouldn’t be very happy with him. Timo realised with a sudden stab of panic that he might even lose his job, and then were would he be? As he reached out for the door, though, his heart ached, and his hand fell again. He couldn’t leave. Not like this. Turning around once more he took a few quiet steps until he was behind Berwald, and paused, before reaching up and gently holding onto the back of his pyjama shirt. “I don’t want to leave you like this.” He murmured, before taking another step in and pressing his smaller body against Berwald’s back, face hidden in his shoulder. At least like this he couldn’t see Timo’s expression.

Taking a deep breath, he shuddered, then tightened his hold on Berwald’s shirt, even though he wasn’t brave enough to hug him properly. He felt weak, exhausted mentally and physically, and for a brief moment he thought that he’d just tell Berwald everything. But he didn’t want to weigh Berwald down with all of his problems when the older man had problems of his own. It wasn’t his fault that Timo had failed. “Please don’t hate me.” He murmured. “I don’t want to go. I miss you when I’m not with you. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” If only he’d been able to keep control of himself, then none of this would have happened.

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald focused his attention on the flickering light outside his window in an effort to distract himself. His mind was overflowing with so many thoughts – too many thoughts. He dwelled on all the things he could have done differently. He wondered what would become of his and Timo’s friendship. And he attempted to guess at what the younger man might be thinking right now.

The bespectacled blond was so preoccupied with trying to keep up with his racing mind that, even in the eerie silence that had consumed his bedroom, he didn’t hear the other man’s light footsteps. When he felt the small blond gently cling onto the back of his pyjama shirt all of a sudden, he was so shocked that he couldn’t even gasp. He could barely hear his friend’s quiet words over the sound of his heart thumping loudly in his ears. But, in the end, he heard him just fine; the overwhelming surge of relief that filled him was evidence enough. It took nearly all of his willpower to stay still and silent. He wanted so much to turn around and hold the younger man close to him. He wanted to… thank him for not leaving yet. It felt nice to have Timo resting against him like this, though, even if he couldn’t see his face. Moreover, he had a feeling that if he moved or spoke too soon, the other blond would abruptly try to leave again.

A strong stab of concern struck the tall blond as he felt his friend shudder against him. All of a sudden, he became acutely aware of how tired the younger man was. And he could somehow tell that it wasn’t even the ordinary kind of tired. No, this was a bone deep weariness that didn’t simply go away with sleep. Berwald felt his heart ache when Timo spoke again. “Could nev’r hate ya,” he whispered back. And he honestly wondered who possibly could. The small blond was just so… so perfect. “S’okay,” he murmured soothingly. The younger man’s voice held such a sad, tired tone; it was distressing. He wanted to hug the blond now more than ever but he knew that it wouldn’t help things if he moved so unexpectedly. He decided to keep talking. After all, it felt like there was still so much to say. “Me, too. Miss ya ev’ryday. Don’t want ya ta go eith’r but…” he trailed off awkwardly. As much as he disliked it, he knew that Timo couldn’t stay much longer. He then paused momentarily, struggling to muster the strength to speak what he really felt. “Wasn’t angry’r anythin’. Was jus’… scared. Thought I did somethin’ wrong, somethin’ ta make ya hate me,” he muttered, his voice nearly inaudible.

But his own words made him come to an awful realization. “’xcept… I did do somethin’ wrong, huh? Should’ve wok’n ya up earlier. An’… an’ yer ev’n later fer work now ‘cause’f me. S’all my fault,” Berwald mumbled, sounding terribly mortified as total comprehension finally dawned on him. With guilt starting to twist his insides, he thought to himself that he didn’t deserve to have Timo here with him since… it had been his entire fault from the very start. “Ya must be so upset with me… ’m s-sorry. S’wrong’f me ta be keepin’ ya like this. ‘t’s… selfish,” he whispered regretfully, apologetically. It meant the world to him that the small blond had chosen to stay a little longer but now he felt like he’d just forced him to. With a jolt of fear, he realized that Timo would probably resent him for all of this.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Berwald’s words helped Timo to relax a little. As long as Berwald didn’t hate him, he felt like he could deal with everything else, even being fired. The older man was like a shelter in a storm, a line to keep Timo from being washed away. If he allowed himself to admit it, the few moments that Timo snatched with Berwald were the ones that were keeping him afloat these days. He had precious little else to look forward to. He couldn’t go back to the way things were before, even if finding the time and money to spend time with Berwald was causing Timo more strain than before.

“No, if it had been you, I’d have let you sleep too.” Timo reassured him. He pulled away briefly, but only to rub his eyes tiredly. Slipping past Berwald, he sat back down on his bed, then gently tugged Berwald to sit beside him so they could talk like that. It was bad enough having to look up at him when they were side by side; he’d have to crane his neck if Berwald stayed standing now that Timo was sitting. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep on you, then none of this would have happened.” He pointed out, calmly. He felt bad about that. He’d put Berwald through so much just because he couldn’t keep hold of himself. It made him feel even more useless than normal.

Timo ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair, trying to think. He was still so tired, especially now that the initial panic of being caught out had worn off. The bed beneath them was warm and soft, so much nicer than the mattress that waited for Timo in his own flat. Maybe the extra sleep would be enough to rejuvenate him, allow him to return a little more to normal and stave off the inevitable crash for a little longer. The more he considered it, the harder Timo found it to find reasons not to stay. Even the threat of being fired seemed distant, and somehow easier to deal with than not staying with Berwald now. “You know, by the time I get there, my shift will be almost over now.” He said, playing with his hands and looking down at them. “I know I’ve woken you up and messed you around, and I’ll understand if you don’t want me to stay now, but… if you’d let me I could sleep.” A thought occurred to him, causing butterflies in his stomach for some reason. “What time does your alarm for work go off? We might be able to get up together.”

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald worried his lip lightly, trying to process Timo’s reassuring words. Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t bring himself to believe that the small blond didn’t begrudge him anything. All of this middle-of-the-night unpleasantness was clearly his fault. It just didn’t make sense for the younger man to avoid blaming everything on him. However, when the other blond walked past him, sat down on his bed, and pulled him gently to sit down as well, Berwald slowly began to realize that Timo had really meant what he’d just said. His friend’s next words, in fact, blatantly confirmed this thought. He was stunned to finally grasp that the younger blond didn’t blame him because he actually blamed himself. “S’not yer fault,” he whispered fervently. He couldn’t understand why Timo was being so hard on himself about falling asleep earlier. He honestly felt that his friend shouldn’t have been so quick to shoulder all the blame. It was apparent that he'd just been too exhausted to stay awake a few hours ago. But the tall blond then noted worriedly that, even now, he still looked exhausted.

In the semi-darkness, he wordlessly watched Timo play with his hands as he spoke, confusion, guilt and blind hope filling him at the other blond’s words. As his friend continued to speak, a strange combination of happiness and fear started coursing through him. Berwald hesitated a little but he somehow worked the nerve to gently brush his hand against the younger man’s arm in what he hoped was a comforting manner. He was careful to keep his movements almost painfully slow so that he wouldn’t startle the small blond too badly. He guiltily recalled the fear he’d seen in his friend’s eyes when he had inadvertently grabbed his wrist just a short while ago. He was so used to that expression on the faces of strangers but when the other man was the one wearing it, it caused his heart to ache. He hated scaring Timo. He hated it so much.

“Ya prob’bly don’t wanna hear this from me an’… I know ‘ve got no right ta say anythin’ but… ‘m sorry,” he muttered remorsefully. He wanted to ask the younger blond about what would happen to him if he skipped his shift entirely but he was… scared. It hardly mattered whether his friend blamed him or not for what was happening now. He still felt responsible anyway. He didn’t want Timo to end up facing consequences that could have been avoided. The other blond seemed resolved to stay, though, and Berwald couldn’t help feeling happy about that at least. He’d get to stay with him longer and the younger man would be able to sleep some more, too.

A brief moment after apologizing, he pulled his hand away, but not before giving Timo’s arm a gentle squeeze. “’ll always want ya ta stay,” he admitted in a quiet voice, thinking that the small blond would probably never understand how much he wanted him to be by his side. At the other man’s question, Berwald reached over towards his bedside table and fumbled around for his alarm clock. He was able to snatch up the small, box-shaped contraption quickly enough. “Wanna wake up with ya. What time should I set this at?” he asked as he randomly pressed the buttons on the clock, trying to locate the one which reset its alarm. He was meant to be at the woodwork shop tomorrow by around seven but, depending on what time Timo needed to get up, he didn’t mind being early or late.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Since the gentle touch wasn’t as sudden as the grab, Timo didn’t mind at all, leaning into Berwald a little. He felt bad that Berwald had probably seen the fear on his face, and wished there was a way to tell him that it was just because he’d acted so suddenly. It seemed a bit late now, though. And the soft brush was reassuring, letting Timo know that he hadn’t completely destroyed his relationship with his best friend. “You have a right to say anything you want to me.” He pointed out. “You’re my best friend – if you can’t say things to me, then who can?” Once again, he was to tired to come across as anything but blunt, but he did look up, briefly meeting Berwald’s eyes and giving him a tiny, fond smile, as a glimmer of hope found it’s way into his heart. Maybe they would be all right after all. And if they had survived this, the closest they’d come to an argument, then Timo was sure they could survive anything.

It was a relief to hear that Berwald wanted him to stay none the less, and he watched for a moment as the older man groped for his alarm. Once he realised what he was doing, he pulled out his phone again and used the light to illuminate the clock for Berwald so he could see what he was doing. “Um.” Rubbing his brow with his other hand, Timo tried to gather his thoughts. “My shift starts at 8, and it’ll take me an hour… an hour and fifteen minutes to get home, change, and then head off… Half five? Six? Is that too early?”

Timo gave Berwald the phone to sort it out, then stood to empty his pockets again, before pausing. “Um. Actually. If I’m going to stay can I borrow a tshirt to sleep in?” He asked. He was already feeling a little gross from sleeping in his clothes, and it’d be cooler like that as well. He doubted Berwald had any trousers that’d fit him, but he had boxers on, and one of Berwald’s shirts would probably be more like a short nightdress on him anyway, as embarrassing as that was.

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald let out a low, pleased hum, extremely relieved to feel Timo lean into his touch slightly. It reassured him that things between them were okay again – or were at least getting there! Even though he was now aware that the younger man wasn’t opposed to the contact he’d initiated, he still kept whatever movements he made slow and careful. His friend’s earlier behavior had given him the worst fright he’d had in a long while so he wasn’t keen on worsening things again with careless actions. The older man anxiously thought to himself that he couldn’t let Timo drift out of his life a second time… That would be too much for him to take. From the way he had persistently clung onto his memories of the small blond all these years, it was obvious that he had never even moved on the first time. Now that they were together again, Berwald was happier than he’d been in ages and wanted nothing more than to stay by the other man’s side. All he could do was hope that Timo felt the same, even if only slightly.

He nodded a little at his friend’s words, feeling oddly touched at being considered his best friend. “Yer m’best friend, too, so… ya can say anythin’ ta me as well, ‘kay? Might be hard ‘cause’f how… how scary I can be but… ya know I don’t mean ta be, right?” he asked in a quiet voice. The bespectacled man felt hope well up inside him as he returned his friend’s small but fond smile with an equally tiny and affectionate one of his own. This was the closest they had ever come to a real argument so Berwald was exceedingly thankful that it didn’t bring about the end of their friendship. He wasn't sure why but he even had a feeling that this experience would bring them closer still.

The tall blond grunted appreciatively at the light Timo provided using his phone. “Hn, half past five sounds too early but ‘ll set it ta tha’ ‘f ya wanna have breakfast here. I could cook ya somethin’ quick an’ simple. If yer not eatin’ here, though, ‘ll jus’ set it ta six,” he said, playing around with the buttons on his alarm clock as he waited for his friend’s response. For some reason, he really liked the idea of cooking for the younger man so he couldn’t help hoping that he’d agree to stay for breakfast. Even if he doesn’t, though, he should at least have his coffee, he thought to himself.

Berwald accepted Timo’s phone wordlessly but almost dropped it, along with his alarm clock, when the other man spoke again. He blushed darkly at the thought of his friend sleeping in one of his shirts, suddenly feeling grateful for the darkness around them. He purposely angled the phone’s light away from his face to be doubly sure the younger blond couldn’t see how red his cheeks had gone. “’kay,” he mumbled finally, standing up as he put his clock back on his bedside table. He then made his way to his closet, using the light from Timo’s phone to see where he was going. He opened up the topmost drawer and picked out his favorite T-shirt for sleeping, a comfortable, plain one colored dark blue. He walked back and handed it to the other man. “S’def’nitely too big fer ya, though… Sorry,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

[Timo Väinämöinen]

Feeling guilty again, Timo reached out for Berwald. “You’re not scary! I mean… when I was younger I was, but I know that you wouldn’t hurt anyone, and especially not me!” He smiled affectionately as he brushed his hand over Berwald’s arm. “And you are handsome, especially when you smile. You should smile more! I’d like that.” He said, fondly, distracted enough to go off on a tangent. He was glad to see Berwald smile back now, feeling the same swell of pride and joy that he felt whenever he made his friend smile. There was something special about those smiles belonging just to Timo.

“It’s not your fault you’re so much bigger than me!” Timo said with a chuckle. He took the shirt, though, and turned his back to change. While they’d changed in front of each other plenty of times before, Timo was aware that his body had changed since then. Even though he was still short, he had grown somewhat, but the dim light wasn’t enough to show that his slim form was more masculine than before, despite his hips. He might not have the hard lines that he would have wanted, but his waist was slim, and hidden from Berwald there was a fine line of blonde hairs leading down from his belly button to his waistband. Pulling the shirt on quickly, he then shimmied out of his trousers, folding them and his shirt and setting them aside for the morning. At least now he’d be more comfortable, and he clambered back into bed, pulling the blankets up to hide his pale legs and plain white boxers from view. “Um… I don’t want you to have to wake up too early, but breakfast does sound nice.” He finally responded to Berwald’s earlier question. In the darkness he was blushing a little too; he liked the idea of having breakfast with Berwald, especially if he was going to make it. Picking at the shirt, Timo couldn’t help but notice how nice it smelt, like Berwald. It was soft too, and Timo snuggled in comfortably. “So which ever is best for you. I really don’t mind. I can get breakfast at home.”

[Berwald Oxenstierna]

Berwald felt his breath catch in his throat as Timo gently touched his arm. Heart fluttering, he took in his friend’s warm smile and found nothing but complete sincerity in his eyes. The younger man pulled his hand away after a brief moment but as soon as the tall blond noticed this, he reached out for it himself and gave it a light squeeze. “Tha’s right… ‘specially not you,” he murmured, squeezing Timo’s smaller hand one more time before slowly letting it go. He blushed fiercely at the other man’s next words, feeling more flattered than was characteristic of him. “Um, I… um,” he spluttered ineloquently. He then paused for a couple of seconds in an attempt to formulate a proper sentence. It was a reasonable thing to do but it didn’t help… at all. “I, uh… um,” he said in a rather feeble manner, inwardly getting a little frustrated with himself. After another short pause, he decided to forego commenting on the compliment altogether. “I… like it when… you smile,” he said quietly, slowly. “Smilin’s hard fer me but… ‘ll try ta do it more. ‘ll try fer you,” he mumbled almost inaudibly.

The older blond noticed his friend turn around before changing so he hurried to do so as well, figuring that the other man just wanted a bit more privacy. He found it understandable since they hadn’t changed in front of each other in years. The bespectacled man just stood there as he patiently waited for Timo to finish changing. When he heard the other blond start climbing back into bed, he deemed it okay to face him again. Even in the dim half-light, the younger man’s appearance caused him to blush faintly. As he had expected, the shirt was much too big for him but its looseness on his small frame had an unbelievably adorable effect. He moved to seat himself on his side of the bed as he watched his friend settle down under the covers. “Hn. ‘m not gonna set the clock ‘nymore, then,” he said as he used the light from Timo’s phone to locate his own on the bedside table. He grabbed hold of the relatively old device before placing the small blond’s phone next to his little pile of other pocket things.

“’ll wake ya up at half past five, ‘kay? Breakfast’ll be all ready fer ya by then,” Berwald promised as he set his phone to alarm at 4:50 AM. He then put the gadget under his pillow so that it wouldn’t end up rousing Timo as well. He took his glasses off and placed them on his bedside table before finally getting under the covers with his friend. “G’night,” he whispered, unable to stop himself from edging a little bit closer to the younger man.